jannica merrit

humor. honesty. sometimes both.


December 2015

Drive-Up Windows

Why don’t more businesses have drive-up windows?  Those easy, wonderful portals into a magical realm where you get what you need without getting out of your car.

Because I have two kids.  And I’m lazy.  And, while I am too afraid of the answer to ask, I am pretty certain we are not allowed back into our neighborhood Fry’s after the Grape Juice Incident.

Could we have legislation, say “The Parents Act 2015” HB5098, which mandates drive up windows at all businesses?  They make laws for everything else in our lives!  Why not something practical like this?

Here are a few illustrations of my dream.  Instead of placing an order for a Big Mac and fries, I could drive up, relaxed and happy…

“Welcome to Home Depot.  Can I start you off with our paint of the day, ‘Mandarin’?”

Not to be rude, I’d pretend to ponder this for a quick second, “Um, not today.”

“We also have nails on sale.  Can I get you some nails?”

“Thank you, no. I’d like a hammer and six two-by-fours.  Oh, and a can of WD40.”

“That’ll be twenty-four ninety-seven at the first window,” the scratchy voice would reply.  “Please drive forward.”

And, another dream…

“Welcome to Casino Royale.  Would you like to try our ten dollar Instant Win Slot Machine located just to your left?”

“No, thank you.”

“How many chips can I have ready for you?”

“Fifty dollars.”

“Confirming, fifty dollars.  Please drive to the first window.”

And, after relinquishing my payment, I could drive to the next window and bet ten dollars on black at the roulette table.  Just keep driving around and around to the windows until I was rich or ran out of gas.  Hopefully, they’d comp me a diet Coke in there somewhere.

And my penultimate dream.  Just drive up and…

“Welcome to KidzWorld, would you like to try our ‘Weekend in Paradise’ babysitting extravaganza?”

Sigh, because I already know I can’t afford it, “No, thank you.”

“How many are you dropping off?”

“One large and one small.”

“How long?”

“All day.”

“Please drive forward to the first window…”

Dear Tiny House People

I love watching you, Tiny House People, on HGTV.  I love seeing pictures of your homes on the internet. I especially love the ones with multiple views and, better yet, floor plans!  I love your tiny little porches and cute tiny little eaves and drawers under your stairs…or folding ladders if you don’t have stairs.  I love the little tiny loft beds with your ceiling inches away from the mattress.

It’s like a car accident without potential sadness and loss…I can’t stop looking.  I’m fascinated by you, Tiny House People.  Do you mind if I call you THP?

But I have to ask…wouldn’t you rather work just a few more hours or a little bit harder and get a whole house?  Because they are so cute, but I have so many questions.  Questions HGTV never answers.

Where on earth do you put your stuff?  I can go for minimalism in the kitchen, as long as there’s a tiny little microwave and enough tiny little freezer space for TV dinners. But, I must say, I don’t usually see dishwashers in those itty bitty kitchens.

Do have TLWs, my THP friends?  Tiny Little Wardrobes, that is.  Two outfits for each season, and two pairs of pajamas.  The size of your whole house would nicely fit the contents of my closets (shoes excluded and with organizers).  Don’t you have clothes?  On the top of your tiny little roofs are there Sterilite containers filled with your work clothes?  Duct-taped underneath?  Do you wear the same clothes every day?  Because only a few of you have washing machines.  Or bathtubs.

Do your shoes hang from hooks on the ceiling?  Or do you have TLSC?  Tiny little shoe collections…full size shoes, I would presume, but no more than three pairs for those of the more extravagant among you.

I could vacation in your house—if you and your stuff were not there.  Because all of us together…would not fit! Period.

And, seriously, I hope none of you have kids, at least not while you are Tiny House People.  Because, there will come a day when you will need a locked door and a separate room.  Not necessarily for the kids.  For you.  Because you will want to go in there and lock the door, like it’s some sort of bomb/holocaust/hurricane/toddler shelter, and the kids better be on the other side.  You will willingly sacrifice the whole rest of your house just to get away from thrown Legos, under- the-feet tiny toys and smashed red raspberries.  What will you do then, Tiny House People? You won’t be small enough to hide in your closet!

Your houses are so cute, THP.  You will always have that.

And, I have to admit, I am very jealous, as I step over my clutter, that you can live with so little stuff.  Rock on, Tiny House People, and I will watch you on TV.


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