jannica merrit

humor. honesty. sometimes both.


August 2016

Top Ten UFC Moves My Pre-Toddler Has Perfected–A Guest Post from My Daughter

Now that I am a bit bigger and able to move on my own more, I have been perfecting some moves.  And none of them would be allowed in an Ultimate Fighting Championship fight.  I have comprised a list of my best moves, with some of my advice to the “diaper set” who come after me:

  • TEN  Peeing and/or pooping on Mommy.  This one Mommy has become accustomed to, and now only the biggest and smelliest really even get her attention.  The element of surprise is good here, and the best timing is when old diaper is off and new diaper has not stepped up to take old diaper’s place.  Added bonus if you can get one or both hands in it before anyone can stop you, and then rub those hands on everything in sight.
  • NINE  Biting Mommy’s thumb until blood is drawn.  First blood, stop at first blood…or after your parent is able to yank her thumb out of your mouth (whichever comes last).
  • EIGHT  Scratching by raking tiny little sharp fingernails down an area of unprotected (Mommy’s fault) skin.   Best done when fingernails haven’t been trimmed recently, which brings about the topic of “Never Let Them Cut Your Nails”, but that’s for another post…
  • SEVEN  Hair pulling…not only until it hurts, but until some of it comes out. Only a tiny and mighty fistful of hair will suffice.
  • SIX  Stepping on crotches.  This move must be carefully timed, due to size differences, but if well executed will bring the sturdiest of grown-ups to their knees.
  • FIVE  Head butting.  Like most moves, the timing and the aim are key in the efficacy.  A well-timed move should provide a degree of surprise so covering up or moving out of the way are mute points, as you will already have delivered this blow before they can react to your threat.
  • FOUR  Eye gouging.  Best done with fingernails and added bonus if they are long and have small, knife-like tears in them.
  • THREE  Elbow to the breast.  Use the pointy part of your elbow and try to connect with as much squishy breast tissue as possible.
  • TWO  Kicks to the face.  Not the strongest tool in the toolbox, but can be used to jar a parent out of complacency, especially when they are bending down close with some “ga ga” or “goo goo” nonsense.
  • ONE  Nipple pulling.  This can be done with fingers or teeth.  An especially useful tool is known as the “Fishhook”, imagine drawing a “letter J” (if you have somehow learned letters) with Mommy’s nipple as you pull away from her.  This is a favorite, as it can bring the toughest Mommy to her knees!


The UFC does not allow any of this, but we can get away with it all!  Their fighters can be grateful…because they are all tough—but are they “Mom-Tough”?  Now, that’s a show of strength!


This Morning

I woke you from your baby dreams too early this morning.  Your warm breath was soft upon my skin as you sleepily opened your mouth to drink.  Early mornings are one of the few times you focus and still nurse, in your growing quest to learn and conquer your world.  Your warm breath was soft upon my skin as you sleepily opened your mouth to drink.  I held you tight against my chest as you drank and just barely stayed awake.  Your sweet eyes closed as your ever-growing, sturdy body curled into me.  I was distracted by the softness of your cheek from my vigilance with the clock, not wanting to care, but needing to.  All too soon, our time was over, and you awoke as I stood and you held tightly to my nipple.  I wanted to cry.  You want your Mommy.  Your Mommy wants you.  But your Mommy has to go to work to support us.  I can’t explain that, as I pulled you off me, five minutes later than I “should” have.  My heart broke as I gave you to another, to hurry off to work.  Knowing you will be loved and cared for helps but doesn’t break my heart any less for watching you reach for me and knowing I have to leave you.  Leaving you rips me up, from the inside out, when all I want is to stay in bed, snuggled against you, offering you my milk as you choose and holding you while you sleep.

At work I count the hours until I can hold you again, dreading the thought of you sleeping when I pick you up, wanting you to rest, but still craving your smile and your soft baby giggle and smooth new skin.  I can envision robbing banks for more time with you; but getting caught would mean more time away from you.  You are my beating heart, living outside my chest.  Each new milestone we celebrate makes me even prouder of you than the day I first gazed into your indignant eyes, screaming at being pulled from my womb.

My world is happy and complete when you are in my arms, or sitting on my hip, staring bravely out at the world.  I love you.  I will take care of you and support us; no matter how hard it is.

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