Now that I am a bit bigger and able to move on my own more, I have been perfecting some moves. And none of them would be allowed in an Ultimate Fighting Championship fight. I have comprised a list of my best moves, with some of my advice to the “diaper set” who come after me:
- TEN Peeing and/or pooping on Mommy. This one Mommy has become accustomed to, and now only the biggest and smelliest really even get her attention. The element of surprise is good here, and the best timing is when old diaper is off and new diaper has not stepped up to take old diaper’s place. Added bonus if you can get one or both hands in it before anyone can stop you, and then rub those hands on everything in sight.
- NINE Biting Mommy’s thumb until blood is drawn. First blood, stop at first blood…or after your parent is able to yank her thumb out of your mouth (whichever comes last).
- EIGHT Scratching by raking tiny little sharp fingernails down an area of unprotected (Mommy’s fault) skin. Best done when fingernails haven’t been trimmed recently, which brings about the topic of “Never Let Them Cut Your Nails”, but that’s for another post…
- SEVEN Hair pulling…not only until it hurts, but until some of it comes out. Only a tiny and mighty fistful of hair will suffice.
- SIX Stepping on crotches. This move must be carefully timed, due to size differences, but if well executed will bring the sturdiest of grown-ups to their knees.
- FIVE Head butting. Like most moves, the timing and the aim are key in the efficacy. A well-timed move should provide a degree of surprise so covering up or moving out of the way are mute points, as you will already have delivered this blow before they can react to your threat.
- FOUR Eye gouging. Best done with fingernails and added bonus if they are long and have small, knife-like tears in them.
- THREE Elbow to the breast. Use the pointy part of your elbow and try to connect with as much squishy breast tissue as possible.
- TWO Kicks to the face. Not the strongest tool in the toolbox, but can be used to jar a parent out of complacency, especially when they are bending down close with some “ga ga” or “goo goo” nonsense.
- ONE Nipple pulling. This can be done with fingers or teeth. An especially useful tool is known as the “Fishhook”, imagine drawing a “letter J” (if you have somehow learned letters) with Mommy’s nipple as you pull away from her. This is a favorite, as it can bring the toughest Mommy to her knees!
The UFC does not allow any of this, but we can get away with it all! Their fighters can be grateful…because they are all tough—but are they “Mom-Tough”? Now, that’s a show of strength!