He’s done it again! My son has pushed my last button, again!
I am exhausted and stressed beyond words, and finally, finally have everything that absolutely must be done before bed completed, and am on my way in to bed when I find my little night owl five year old has rearranged the living room back to the absolute chaos it was before I straightened it, not one hour ago. The room that I had taken my precious waning energy and very limited time and straightened, to put one tiny corner of my life back in order.
And I am a screaming fool, again! I have tried deep breathing, and affirmations, and I have explained to him not to follow me and undo everything I did in the living room time and time again. There is no “finding humor” in the situation. I am five steps past “I” statements. There is no energy for a time out for me. It’s all I can do to scream, “Go to your room!” before I launch into a tirade of words that when I am rational I know not to say.
I watch out of the corner of my eye, as my son leaves the room. And, I look at the chaos he has created from my calm, and am angered further. I can’t seem to stop myself, and I go to his room to yell at him further.
And, I shove open the door. There are no more rational thoughts; I am ready to tell him everything on my mind.
There, in the comfy rocking chair where I often try to get him to sit still long enough to be read to, clasping his Monsters, Inc. Mike Wazowski stuffy is my son curled into a ball, crying. Not small tears, but sobbing, his small body raking in and out with his sobs.
And I crumble.
I go to him and I gather him up in my arms. His small body is shaking as he continues to cry. I stroke his hair. I cry with him. I tell him Mommy is sorry. And my daughter, who has awakened with her brother’s crying, comes close and I hold her, too. I hold them both. I hold them and we all cry and I tell them that Mommy loves them so very much. That Mommy doesn’t always say or do the right thing, but she will always try.
And, I learn from my children yet again. Tomorrow, I will work on solutions for keeping the house from chaos and keeping my expectations lower. But for tonight, I will hold them and love them.